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Shoes for Peanut - check
Warmer clothes for Peanut - check
An assortment of knitting needles/projects - check
Groceries - check
Camping gear - check
Beautiful weather forecast - check.
We are go for camping. Oh how I love thee, long weekends! (And thanks to my tallent for getting pregnant in April and having "Chistmas" babies, I no longer need to save a week of vacation for the holidays and will be instead squandering a day and a half on making this weekend even longer. It feels so extravagant!)

And now for a public service announcement:
10 things not to say to a pregnant woman*
10. "You're pregnant? Was it intentional?"
Thank goodness news of my "condition" has become common knowledge, because it took untold amounts of self restraint not to reply, "Well, seeing as we were screwing like crazed weasels, it was bound to happen sooner or later!" I am still baffled that there exist persons who think that any one couple's reproductive intentions are any of their business. Tell you what - how about you don't ask me if we meant to get pregnant right now, and I won't ask you what your favorite sexual position is. Deal?

9."I'll bet it's twins."
No, it's not. Ultrasound showed very clearly one baby, not to mention my protruding abdomen is measuring totally normal size for a singleton pregnancy.

8. "It could still be twins! Ultrasounds can be wrong, you know. The second one could be hiding in there. Wouldn't twins be great?! You could have one of each and be done with having kids!"
See #9. Also, I don't think of children as collectors items: Comes in two different genders, collect them all! Also, quit talking to me now.

7. "Wait! Don't lift that! Let me get it for you!"
It weighs 10lbs. I have a 24lb toddler at home. If I can't lift 10lbs, I'm in trouble. I know you're trying to be nice, but my arms have not ceased functioning just because I'm gestating.

6. "Wow! You're really getting big!"
I think this bothers other people more than me, since I'm not all that concerned with my size when I am or am not pregnant, but at the same time I can't help but be tempted to respond, "Really?! I had no idea! No wonder I have to sit down to put socks on!"

5. "Go ahead, have dessert/seconds/deepfried grease on a stick! After all, you're eating for two!"
To borrow from Dave Barry, the second person I'm eating for is not Orson Wells.

4. "How are you feeeeeeling?" *insert smoopy looking concerned face*
I'm feeling fine. How are you feeeeling? Let's be honest here - I'm one of the fortunate ones who tends to go through pregnancy free of the common complaints that plague many others. However, if I were suffering from raging hemroids, flaming heatburn, and flat feet, you wouldn't want me to tell you. Especially not in long, drawn-out, graphic detail. Be careful what you wish for.

3. "Oh no! You touched your stomach! You're not going into labor, are you?!"
Um, no. And if I was, do you think I'd be sitting here sipping non-alcoholic eggnog and calmly opening presents? A belly this large is hard not to run into with ones hands. Touching of said stomach does not indicate contractions. Oh, would that this eggnog had rum in it.

2. "I turned the AC off because it's not hot in here. It's not hot in here at all. I don't care if the thermostat is reading 85F. It's nice and cool outside, and therefore is not in here. No, I don't know why you're sweating while sitting still, because it's not hot in here."
Don't argue with me. Just turn the damned AC back on.

And the number one, most important thing NOT to EVER say to a pregnant woman, even if she's normally in good spirits regarding pregnancy, even if you're out of arm's reach, and ESPECIALLY if you're married to said woman...
1. "What do you need to rest for? Oh yeah, like it's that hard being pregnant."

*Not that I've ever heard any of these things. Oh no. Not me. Such things would never be uttered in my presence because I would then be forced to fix that person with the hormonal laser stare of death.

Not only do I agree with your list, I'd like to add two more never-to-be-uttered statements (which were personally experienced) to further enlighten your audience:

1 - "You're lucky to be having your baby in April/May, you'll get your summer off."
Let me clue you in folks, maternity leave is not a vacation.

2 - "You're STILL here?"
Obviously, since you are asking me that question in the hallway, at work.

In addition, please ask before you touch a pregnant woman's tummy. It's just common curtesy.

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  • I'm Sarah
  • From Pittsburgh, United States
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